How To Secure Happiness In Your Marriage
How To Secure Happiness In Your Marriage
"The perfect wife is on strike and the knight in shining armour has left the building."
You've heard that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Differences in our emotional make-up can often be a source of amusement for the opposite sex. You've heard all the jokes. Your reasons for getting married may have been accompanied by excitement, fun, and intrigue but the underlying mutual decision is a serious one. You acknowledge that some things will change but, in many respects, the status quo is also desirable. How will each partner cope with such demands as commitment, freedom, finances, and personal space?
As an adult, you've been growing toward emotional maturity for many years. You've "found" your true self and accepted it. Is that also true of your life-partner? Have you discussed each one's goals, fears, needs, limits, etc? Even though you may have spent a lot of time getting to know each other, what reaction do you expect in the following circumstances?
- On Friday afternoon, Kate spends four hours cooking and cleaning to surprise Mike with a romantic dinner. He comes home from training exhausted and falls asleep on the lounge. How would you choose to react?
- Ben and Jennifer are saving for their first home. When he gives her an expensive bunch of flowers, she demands to know the cost. How might he feel?
- Sarah loves her job but Damien's mum is hinting at starting a family. When she starts knitting baby clothes and sending them to Sarah, what does each person expect of Damien?
- When he and Melissa attended a promotional function for John's work, a beautiful model paid special attention to him. Melissa turned around and walked out the door. What emotions could he expect to see in her face if he caught up with her?
"It's like talking to a brick wall!"
Remember, even though the walls have ears, sometimes they don't listen. As Lynette, aged eight, candidly observed, "even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." It's been said that women are usually more emotional and sensitive than men. Women often show their love with physical displays of affection. This may seem "mushy" or overly romantic to a man. Men often show their love with displays of achievement or strength. Hence the joke:
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three: One to hold the pan and two to show off by shaking the stove.
Often, neither one sees past the action to the underlying feeling. How a woman says, "I love you": "Let's go for a walk on the beach." How a man says, "I love you": "I've just finished tuning your car." Write down your feelings in a letter to your partner. Even if it doesn't produce a sudden change for the better, it's therapeutic for the writer. Try confiding in a close, trusted friend. You know, the parachute type: they open up when you really need them.
"Waiter, my cup is half empty!"
Learn to accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue. How will you cope with each challenge? Will you choose to see the half full cup? Make a list of everything in your life for which you are grateful. (Try to keep chocolate, pizza etc. off the list!) Make another list which details your partner's good qualities. Yes, they do exist. At least one of them convinced you to get engaged.
"It only takes one person to start an argument, but it takes two to continue it."
It's all about taking responsibility for the consequences of your actions. The way you choose to react to a situation may mean the difference between a marriage of harmony and allowing petty disputes to destroy a potentially wonderful future together. It's your choice.
"Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself. Share everything."
Marriage is full of life's little challenges. So when something goes wrong, are you willing to discuss things calmly? Yes, it's difficult to back down when even your own hormones aren't on your side. The song title says it all: "Sorry seems to be the hardest word." It takes courage, humility, patience, and love.
"Research shows that cuts covered with love heal up to three times faster."
What is this thing called "Love"? The songwriter, Cole Porter, described it as "funny" and a "mystery". Synonyms for love include:
- devotion
- adoration
- fondness
The Greek language uses several words to describe the different types of love. Two examples are:
- philia - love between family members or close friends (Philadelphia literally means "affection for a brother")
- agape - love based on a principle; concern for someone's welfare
You may have heard some of the benefits of being in love:
- lower blood pressure
- raised endorphin levels (also available by eating chocolate)
- a sense of security and sharing (unlike having only one piece of chocolate left!)
Love has many qualities. It has been said to "cover a multitude of sins." It covers mistakes but it doesn't eliminate them. This is where patience and understanding comes in. We all make mistakes. How many jobs would we have lost if the boss fired us each time we made a mistake? "Love never fails… it endures all things." If we choose to remember and apply this at every opportunity, we can teach by example to the benefit of our marriage mate, ourself, and the others in our life.
- Don't argue in public
- Don't argue when either one is tired or having a bad hair day
- Don't argue at night when the little hand is past the seven
- Don't argue after root canal treatment
- Don't argue in front of the dog (he'll suspect a challenge for leadership of the pack and he'll side with the victor to secure his advancement in the ranks, much like a Klingon.)
- Don't argue loudly enough for the neighbours to hear (open all the windows and whisper your grievances.)
- Don't argue while you're awake (dream all your arguments; that way you're guaranteed to win!)
